MECHABLOGZILLA

Disclaimer - Any promise of a 5 Star award to any game reviewed during the 5 Star Reviews in 5 Paragraphs segment is a mistake on the readers part. At no point in the conception for the segment titled 5 Star Reviews in 5 Paragraphs did anyone ever promise a 5 star review for any game. The review is 5 stars because it's so good, but the game might not be. Makes sense!

I like Diablo III. I beat it multiple times and loved every play through. My demon hunter was so BA that I had new crossbows made for him out of solid gold, which made them unusable. I traded those crossbows in at Bowstop and got 6 bucks each for them, and I used that 12 bucks in the real money auction house. I slapped Diablo's ass down so many times he put a restraining order against me. I kindly explained that with the proper disguises and alibi, restraining orders are practically useless. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends.

If they were still alive HEH HEH HEH HEH.


Still, Diablo III had its problems. The game felt short and kind of incomplete. The auction house basically destroyed the most important aspect that the previous two games were built upon, which is finding mad loot and making yourself cooler than the other side of the pillow. If you wanted better gear you didn't have to take your lazy ass out into the Underworld to find it, you could just buy it from some random dick with even less of a life than you! And great news, you could even use REAL money to buy gear now! HELLO, FUTURE OF GAMING!

Still, problems aside, it was a great trip. Loved the characters, loved the art style, loved the story. I assumed my need to play Diablo was over though, as my multiple journeys through the exact same story had taken a toll on my weary soul. Then, like the grim reaper himself, the expansion set for Diablo III came to take that very soul. Addiction, thy name is Reaper of Souls.

So what's new? The Crusader class is so good it'll make you wanna slap your mama. Why even play as any other class when you can play as a tough as shit plate armored knight of God ass slamming demons back to Hell with a tower shield in one hand a two handed weapon in the other? The auction house is as dead as my hope for Ghostbusters 3, and the new adventure mode lets you take on bounties and open rifts in a separate journey from the story line, allowing for an almost MMO style experience in the Diablo world.

Are there problems? Of course there are. The story for the expansion doesn't take long to complete, and most of the new additions probably could have been patched in for free. But also, shut the fuck up! Diablo 3: Reaper of Souls is a damn fine expansion, and it has completely rekindled my love for the flagship series from Blizzard. If you have Diablo III, you owe it to that part of your sexuality that you can't satisfy to buy this game and show Malthael the power of friendship!

It doesn't quite get five stars, but it gets a solid four out of five for being exceptionally fun, addicting, and for having 100% less auction house.